What, Me Worry?

FAITH COMES IN CANS
FEAR COMES IN CANT’S - Local church sign

cant - noun:
1. insincere, esp. conventional expressions of enthusiasm for high ideals, goodness, or piety.
2. the private language of the underworld.
3. the phraseology peculiar to a particular class, party, profession, etc.: the cant of the fashion industry.
4. whining or singsong speech, esp. of beggars.
–verb (used without object)
5. to talk hypocritically.
6. to speak in the whining or singsong tone of a beggar; beg.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

Which pretty much sums up my feelings about organized religion. Canned, insincere, whiny-begging.

Anyway, my therapist and doctor and I decided that I could discontinue the Depakote, but I should start taking Wellbutrin. Basically, we’re pretty sure I’m ADHD not bipolar. As Noodle Girl says, “duh Mommy”; I’m pretty sure they would’ve diagnosed me with that when I was two, if the diagnosis had existed in the seventies. Since I’m experiencing a major depressive episode, the Wellbutrin and Lexapro together should help with that and the ADHD. So I’m tapering off the Depakote (I’m down to 250 mg) and I feel less bleh already, though it will take a few weeks at least for the Wellbutrin to kick in. I’m really hopeful that this combination will keep me well enough to get through the MLT program I’m starting this fall and maybe even do some more bead and jewelry making teaching.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate. - Henry J. Tillman

I am part of the precipitate, sort of swirling around the bottom of the flask. I’m not down, exactly, but in some sort of limbo. The old-fashioned Catholic kind, not the fun back-bending kind. Even the weather is unsettled, warm and cold and sunny and gray and random forms of water putting in their appearances.

Poor St. Valentine would be horrified by the modern celebration of his feast day. Chinese New Year, that’s the ticket. There’s this new kid’s show on Nick Jr. called Ni Hao, Kai-Lan that has Noodle Girl yelling “ni hao!” in the bathtub. Very festive. And hilarious. We celebrated both of these lovely holidays by each of us pretending we lived alone with a very noisy television. Kind of sad, but neither the Mr. nor I have the energy for anything else.

Should have posted these in the last post! Is she cute or what?

The more people have studied different methods of bringing up children the more they have come to the conclusion that what good mother and fathers instinctively feel like doing for their babies is the best after all. - Benjamin Spock (1903 - )

The best inheritance a parent can give to his children is a few minutes of their time each day. - M. Grundler

Noodle Girl generally continues to thrive, despite the madness of her mother. And why not? Almost everything else in her life is stable, safe, comfortable, and familiar. She’s a bit more moody and inclined to push things to see if I’ll give in, though.

And boy, can she push! I’m told that it’s a normal part of growing up and “just wait til she’s a teenager!” I also hear that we have to set and stick to boundaries right now or she’ll be a brat, which annoys me no end. I don’t think boundaries need to be set in stone, and I’m not always capable of enforcing every little thing. Not that it seems to be making much difference right now. We hear “Uh, no” pretty often. Then we get “I guess so”, unless it’s something she really wants, and then it’s “Okay!” with a little hop of excitement and her ‘crazy face’, a huge grin and really wide eyes. We see that face when she asks for something, too. It’s pretty hard to resist a face that cute! Wish I could get a picture.

She has started trying new foods again, which makes getting nutrients into her much easier. She will sometimes ask for a bite of things we are eating. Her new favorites are ‘awami’ (salami), monster cheese (muenster), and quesadillas, so still heavy on the cheese. But she’ll eat corn on the cob and sometimes carrots, and whatever veggies you can sneak into her quesadilla, and drinks chocolate and strawberry cow milk instead of just juice and water. Although, she likes the V-8 V-Fusion juice, so she’s getting some veggies that way too.

Her third birthday party was pretty uneventful, she enjoyed the presents and cake, and couldn’t wait for us to finish singing to blow out the candles! What’s more exciting is that she almost always pees on the potty, and today, she pooped on the potty! Without one of us asking her if she needed to potty! It was so exciting, she got peanut butter cups and Mommy and Daddy dancing with her! She gets to wear big girl panties at home and Granny’s house. Her daycare isn’t doing potty training, so she has to wear training pants at school until she remembers to ask to use the potty all the time. Still, it doesn’t seem to confuse her or make her any less likely to use the potty whenever she feels like it at home and Granny’s.

She still likes to ride in the sling, especially when she’s tired or sort of upset by crowds. Still likes to be snuggled to sleep. Still likes to be read to, although she ‘reads’ to me as often as not and insists on turning the pages. Big girl! But still my baby.

I took a week off at the beginning of January, and it did help. What helps more is not having any classes this semester! Mom and I cleared out the office for Noodle Girl’s new room and rearranged the living room. My parents bought new carpet and paint for her room - blue - and Mom painted it. The bedding set Noodle Girl picked out goes perfectly! She was so excited that she slept in her own big bed (twin size) for a few nights. Actually, if I put her in her bed after she falls asleep in mine, she stays in there all night.

I still don’t want to go back to work every other day or so, still not up to dealing with the public. Another job would be fabulous, but the only ones available for my qualifications in this area are more of the same or candidates for Dirty Jobs. Which would be okay if the pay were better. It isn’t, not by enough to be worth it. Dratted economy anyway. It’s too expensive to move where the jobs are, especially in child care. And don’t get me started on housing!

It isn’t really the job, though. It’s winter dark and (occasionally) chilly, my defective endocrine system, and the medication to regulate said endocrine system. Most people don’t really think of mental illness as an endocrine malfunction, but I suspect it’s that as often as it’s a receptor malfunction or brain disorder. My glands don’t secrete what they’re supposed to when they should, or something. Adding birth control pills has screwed up the near-balance I had with the Depakote and Lexapro; I’m crabby, tired, and slightly achy when I get up in the morning. It’s the same way I feel after a bad night’s sleep or a too-short nap. And I still want to hibernate.

I hate winter!

Today’s forecast local high: 70 degrees F.
Temperature at my house (11:45 am): 70 degrees F. It will get warmer this afternoon.
Average local high and low for Jan. 6: 44/24 degrees F.
Previous local record high: 65 degrees F, in 1978.

Whoa.

Of course, the record lowest high for this area is only 46 degrees F, so a new record high less than 30 degrees higher than that isn’t as scary to me. I mean, the weather in Arkansas is so eccentric to begin with. When I was about five, we had tornadoes for Christmas and 80 degree temperatures!

I’ve gotten hooked on the stitch charts from Sprite Stitch. They’re 8-bit video game characters! Dunno what I’m gonna do with them, but I love them. And I’ve finally found a feed reader I like, the latest iteration of Google Reader.

It’s 12:45 now, and the temp is up to 75. Whee!

Hope you had a happy holiday, whatever you celebrate. I finished the traditional ornaments for the adult gifts just in time, and forgot to get any pictures. The kids got too much again, as usual, but lots of good food was eaten and family enjoyed. We had to borrow my parents’ Explorer to get Noodle Girl’s presents home in one trip, which is ridiculous; she can’t get to half the toys she had already!

I’m working on being aware of my emotions as they appear. My therapist didn’t assign me a journal or anything, but it might help to keep one. I’m so used to squashing and otherwise ignoring emotional input that it’s pretty hard for me to haul them out into my consciousness. But it’s possible that until I learn to recognize and actually deal with this input, stress will affect me in really negative ways. As it has been this year. Something else he mentioned, that I will try, is to pick back up activities I used to enjoy ‘before’. Before adulthood, marriage, motherhood. I realized that I don’t paint, play the drums or any other instrument, sing (much), dance, sew, design much of anything, code by hand, or even play video games like I used to.

A lifestyle change that I’m considering is getting a quicker certification than the 2-year MT/CLS and getting out of retail already! Going to school and working and being a wife and mother is apparently too much for me. Oh, fine, it’s really too much for most people, but I still feel like I should be able to do it. Anyway, the pros are that I’ll be less stressed, we will have more money, and my hours should be more regular. The cons are that it won’t be as much money as it would be with the MT certification, the hours are likely to be long, and it won’t be what I really wanted. But I could go back for the certification later, maybe after we have another child.

I dunno. I just want to stop long enough to metaphorically catch my breath. Maybe literally, too.

I just wanted to share this. It’s a very special pillow. NSFW! But it and the rest of the things in this guy’s Etsy shop are fun to look at. If the pillow is a bit racy for you, there’s always this wallet. Or this pillow, although you have to special-order this one. I just love the things that people make! I found the first pillow here. And it’s extremely fun to enter a random word into Etsy’s keyword/item search and see what comes up - that’s how I found the rest.

Insanity — a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world. - R. D. Lang

Insanity destroys reason, but not wit. - Nathaniel Emmons

Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed. - Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809 - 1894)

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. - Charles Bukowski (1920 - 1994), From “Betting on the Muse”

I’m not entirely sure why I feel the need to document this in such a public way, but I do. Maybe it will help someone else. Myself, even.

So, I take medication for depression, paranoia, and anxiety disorder, and have on and off for the last decade or so. I took Zoloft for almost five years, but last winter the old symptoms came creeping back to the point of not wanting to eat. Really, it’s a wonder that it held up so long. So my doctor and I tried increasing my dose of Zoloft this past winter (didn’t help), then changed to Cymbalta this past spring. Cymbalta worked great for about four months but I started feeling increasingly more disconnected and antisocial, even apathetic. I reached the point of just sort of functioning in my daily life. I am zombie, hear me groan!

So, back to the Zoloft while we figured out what to do. That’s when I started having fits of rage and really irregular sleep, neither of which are good signs. I think I frightened my doctor a bit, actually; she recommended a mood stabilizer, one of the newest SSRIs (Lexapro), and consultation with a specialist. Well, the specialist for this kind of illness is a psychiatrist. Which I haven’t actually seen yet. I am taking the medications and going to therapy, and waiting to see how this new combination of meds will affect me. So far, so good at 6 weeks into treatment.

The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. - Doug Larson

I heart my cats. But I don’t think they are my best friends; more like mobile furry lap warmers and mood elevators.

I’ve been trying to write this profound entry about my current mental health issues, but it just isn’t happening. Maybe after I’m better. Because ‘well’ is not a word I’d use to describe me right now. Not too sure how much of this is symptoms and how much is side effects from the medications, but I presume we’ll figure it out.