12/29/03:
* No organizing accomplished yet. I did buy some new, better-fitting exercise wear, though. Did you know that the top four New Year's resolutions involve organizing, eating better, exercising, and relaxing? I don't make resolutions anymore, so it's funny that two things on my to-do list coincide with the most popluar ones. If I were going to make resolutions, though, getting out more and meeting new people or maybe cooking new things would be high on my list. I wonder how many other people have given up on New Year's resolutions, too?
12/27/03:
* I'm contemplating the changes I'd like to make for the new year. Most of them have to do with organization and containment of all my stuff, but I'm also thinking of redesigning this site. All of it. New color scheme, new titles, some content rearrangement...well, maybe I won't change the 3-column layout; after all, it works! As for the rest, I'll just be happy if I can get to all my craft stuff without excavation and still know where it all is. Sadly, the rest of the house isn't too likely to get the same attention, even the parts that really need it like our closet and the kitchen.
12/26/03:
* What a great Christmas! Got the bookshelves I wanted, did a lot of eating and a little beer drinking, and it was a good, relaxing day. That's what the holidays should be like, not all this frantic running all over the country and doing pointless shopping in crowded places.
12/22/03:
* Short week, and today is food at work day. Too bad we have to work Friday, because we have Wednesday and Thursday (Christmas Eve and Day) off but not Friday. The cranberry-pecan coffee cake and sausage balls I brought turned out quite tasty. Maybe baking isn't as hard as I think.
* What, exactly, is really wrong with a "designer baby" that's really just one of the ordinary possiblities of normal conception? I don't get it. No genetic manipulation is done; in-vitro fertilization that almost everyone accepts as ethical is performed, and the resulting embryos screened for whatever gene pattern they wanted from the parents. No more embryos are "wasted" than in in-vitro fertilizations done for infertility treatments. I just don't see the problem.
12/19/03:
* Just...Six...More...Hours... I am so tired and angry and paranoid and apathetic. Oh, and weepy. I hope that it's because I'm pregnant, but I'm not gonna hold my breath. The paranoid, tired, and angry are all pretty much work-related, although I can't rule out a need to increase my dosage of Zoloft. Damned winter anyway, cold and dark and miserable.
12/16/03:
* Shopping accomplished! Now I'm starting in on Phillip's birthday. It's kind of fun to shop for him, even when he won't tell me what he wants. I'm tired today, because I didn't get to sleep till about midnight due to caffeine too late in the day and cats. The cats felt the need to upholster me in their fury little bodies. Warm and soft, but that's a total of 29 pounds of cat laying on me! I'd dislodge them, and they'd just come back. Actually, the fat little white one (Crystal) slept on my pillow for a while, and the big black male (Jericho) laid on the Siamese (Sadie) on my side for a while. I love the kitties. I'm less cranky than I expected, though, probably because the song on the radio was Adam Sandler's "Hanukkah" when my alarm went off. It sure beats most of the Christmas songs for waking up.
12/15/03:
* Much shopping has been accomplished, but there still remains one final shopping task. Seriously, I have everything for everybody except Dad and Phillip. Well, maybe something else small for my sister and her husband. I also got things for me. Phillip won a box full of Transformers, so we'll be buying something else for ourselves: shelves. Hee hee, that rhymes! I am doing a lot better since it was sunny and less cold all weekend. Maybe I should look into that light therapy thing.
12/12/03:
* Days without posting. It's been too busy, and I've felt too yucky. I spent most of yesterday too angry to write. The day before it was all icy and I didn't get to work until 9:30. We've done 2300+ samples of AI AGID this week, not counting the stuff I have for today. I am tired and pretty much hate everything, especially the weather. It's supposed to ice/snow tonight and tomorrow. I hope it's just snow.
12/9/03:
* Ye gads, what a day. Stormy, my back aches, and there is no end of work in sight. Jericho the cat was sitting on my lap at lunch when lightning struck close by, and he did that cat levitation trick when the thunder hit, knocking over my Dr. Pepper. Actually, that was pretty funny. I finally got around to putting Enetation commenting on my crafty blog. I am so tired, it's a wonder I get anything done.
12/8/03:
* As road trips go, this one wasn't bad. Maybe the holidays aren't going to be as hard on me this year. It does help that I got to do lots of baby-holding, and we're only doing stocking stuffers and presents for the children. Both are great stress-reducers. However, I came back to a fridge full of serum to test at work. Bleah.
12/4/03:
* I feel oddly good. The absence of yesterday's headache is bliss. This afternoon is gonna suck, though, since we're taking Friday off and I'm trying to get ahead. Ha! The headache is trying to stage a return already.
12/3/03:
* Owwwwwww! I don't get tension headaches very often, but I have one today. At least, I guess that's what it is. My head feels like someone is trying to split it open with an axe, and my back and neck are killing me. Yet I'm still at work; we're still short-handed and have been all week. A nap would be nice, though.
12/1/03:
* I don't know why I'm still keeping this journal. I don't think anyone reads it anymore. I know it would help if I got an RSS feed up, but I frankly haven't found any means of doing so that don't require me to know lots more than I do or some program that I don't have. Still, it's better for me to track my moods and symptoms somehow, so I don't forget how bad things can get and how good things are compared to other times. Part of me just doesn't care if anyone is out there, and part of me hopes someone finds me interesting enough to read my journal. Eh, I guess it doesn't matter either way. It's not like I'm going to stop writing a blog.
11/29/03:
* Introspection seems more painful than necessary, sometimes. I've had a couple of days to really think about the reasons that I dislike the winter holidays so much. The results are not helping my mood: I feel isolated because I tend to be a fair-weather friend - my fair weather, not other people's; I have no way of coping with the weather besides staying in bed; and I should probably go back into therapy but I'd have to pay for it out of my own pocket. These things make holidays much more stressful than they already are. I've been too busy and stressed out to really think about this stuff lately, and the holidays have kind of crept up on me. That leaves me no time to work up a real sense of dread; it also doesn't leave me with any time to steel myself against the repetitions of horribly cheery music, dismally sappy TV, and people who ask where my holiday spirit is when I won't let them get away with being incredibly rude.
Isn't it bad enough that I am back on the antidepressants just to have a normal life? How am I supposed to deal with all this extra stuff?! A lot of winter holiday things get me down; the cold, lack of consistent sunlight, the increased isolation that comes with nasty winter weather, all the social obligations, and everybody is so busy with all their family and friends. I'm acutely aware that very few people think of me as a friend. I don't mind being alone most of the time, but I'm supposed to want to be with my friends and family, too, aren't I? They certainly think I should, and I think I should, too, if I could just talk myself into leaving the house. The pervasive forced cheeriness makes it awfully hard for me to enjoy socializing. At least my family doesn't push me to act as though I'm really happy when I'm not.
Depression is still the root cause of it all, though. It never ceases to amaze me how many people can't or won't understand that mental illnesses like depression aren't under the control of the sufferer. Heck, even when I'm well I'm not a gleeful, cheerful person. Energetic and happy, yes, but the paranoia and obessive-compulsive bits never go completely away, even with the medication. When I'm well, I'm very outgoing and even a busbody to a point. When I'm sick, like now, I just don't feel like I can burden anyone else with it, and I really can't be there for other people when I can't cope with my own life. So I push people away. I thought I'd worked through most of that in therapy before, but it's painfully obvious that some of the old antisocial coping mechanisms are still alive and well. I probably could just pay for therapy, but I'd still have to find a new therapist, a scary idea at best.
I'm just going to try to get through it all the best I can. Thanksgiving was pretty good, and it was nice to share it with more of my family than I usually get to. Maybe Christmas won't be so bad, either.
11/26/03:
* Yesterday, I did something that I haven't done in over ten years - got a perm. It was a much more pleasant experience than the last one; they've gotten less smelly and painful to my scalp. It's really a body wave, but in my hair, any roller produces a curl. I like it!
* This will be the first Thanksgiving spent with more people than just my husband in several years, since before we got married, I think.
11/25/03:
* I'm still not pregnant. Another few cycles like this (PMS really doesn't cover it), and I am going to have to go back on the Pill for my own sanity and my husband's, too. TMI? I'd rather not know about this stuff, either, but I have to live with it knowing that some of my basic bodily functions are screwed up and nobody can or will do anything to fix it.
11/24/03:
* I seriously dislike the cold. Dreary gray weather doesn't do anything for me, either. Of course, cold and sunny still isn't my thing. It actually snowed here for a bit Sunday; luckily I wasn't awake to see it and it didn't stick around. The dancing Friday night went well enough, but my new top needs some work before I wear it again. Like a whole new front, for instance, with darts that go somwhere near my actual bust.
* I have been collecting all these links from around the internet, usually from Citrus Moon or anything but ordinary, and here are my favorites: Internet Bumper Stickers, Ian Alexander's Patterns, Wallpaper, and Backgrounds, NGAkids collage Machine (uses Shockwave), and What To Do When the Internet Goes Down.
11/20/03:
* I hate everything. I want to take a nap and never have a backache again. I want more time to do the things I want to do instead of all the things that have to be done. I wish I could take a sabbatical from work. I wish I had a better sewing machine. I wish it would stay warm and sunny all the time. I really wish that people would quit using supposedly holy books to justify their predjudices, while ignoring the parts of the same books that instruct us to love each other and leave the judging to God. I wish nobody ever got their hearts broken but still got to be in love. Sometimes, I wish I were a hermit.
11/19/03:
* I am having an even busier week than last week! I admit that it would help if I started my projects more than a week before I want them finished, like the harem pants and top I've been working on since Sunday to wear this Friday. Work has been very busy, and I've been relying heavily on the help of my coworkers to get everything done. I'm ready for a long weekend, but unfortunately, the only ones I'm getting anytime soon are going to be major holidays with lots of family obligations. Thank goodness Mom and Dad will be up here instead of us going to the other side of the state!
* In all this busyness, an equitable income tax plan occurred to me: everyone gets taxed the same percentage of their income, and then deducts a set amount for each person that lives in their house. More detailed explanations will follow once I've had time to work the math out. Still, I think that if we abolished all the incomprehensible crap we have for tax law now, and did as I suggest, it would be a lot better.
11/14/03:
* What a week! My niece was born Monday night, so I spent a good chunk of Tuesday visiting her and my sister (and the rest of my family, and part of my BIL's family, too) in the hospital. Work has been so crazy that I rarely get to lunch on time, and barely get finished with things in time to go home. When I get home, I've been collapsing in the recliner and not moving much. We're going to have Mike over to cook for us tonight, so I'll want to be a little more energetic. I hope it works out that way, but just in case, I'm having a second Dr. Pepper this afternoon.
* For those interested in my new niece, she's 7 pounds 11 ounces, 18 inches long, and awfully cute, for a newborn. Her older sister is dealing pretty well, and has held her several times and even "helped" change her diaper. The family is doing a good job of including my older niece in everything, and Granny and Papa have been spending a little time with her alone.
11/10/03:
* Yay! I'm better. Everything's good except my back, which only hurts because I did too many ELISAs this morning. My weekend was pretty good; not too cold, visited the family and Mike, cleaned up the living room. We're waiting to hear if my sister's finally going to have my second niece today (she's a week overdue).
11/8/03:
* I'm finally starting to feel better! I know, you're as excited as I am. I'm still going to take it easy this weekend; I only went to the second dance class this morning instead of both of them, and I don't plan to go out or stay up too late. Hopefully, that will help me get all the way well.
11/7/03:
* Kill me now. I feel even worse than the other days. I"m going to try to finish things up here and go home early. Dunno how that'll work out, but that's what I want to do. Mmmmmm, nice warm bed with fluffy duvet. Maybe a nice warm man, too.
11/6/03:
* I almost forgot - Tuesday is Veterans Day! That'll make for a weird work week. Of course, so will Christmas this year - it's on a Thursday. I like working for the government sometimes.
* I imagine that you're as tired of hearing me complain about how yucky I feel as I am of feeling yucky. So today, I'll just give you some links so you can go amuse yourself.
- Tile Generator, a fun little drawing thingy with several shapes and mirror effects
- Fractal Recursions, pretty pictures
- NaNoWriMo, the home page of novel writing month
- Well of Souls, anime art
- 80's Lyrics Quiz, try and beat my score of 108!
- Why Paint Cats?, see how silly people can be
11/5/03:
* Cold, wet, yucky. I hurt all over, especially my neck and head. If my eyeballs are squished out by sinus pressure, will you put them back in?
11/3/03:
* I don't feel much better, even after a weekend of mostly rest and relaxation. I helped Mike finish his costume Friday night, after which I went home and collapsed in the recliner. I didn't go to dance class. I visited my parents Saturday, but other than that and a grocery run Sunday night, I didn't leave the house or move very much. I did some beadwork and knitted, all in the comfy recliner. Some party animal I am, huh?